I’ve searched for God in silence, thought, and prayer,
In whispered words and in pages worn and bare,
I’ve written hymns of faith and though now I stand,
A woman lost yet yearning to understand.
They say belief must burn within the heart
But how they miss my sleepless nights I analyze and chart,
Where hope and doubt entwine in this steady flow,
I seek to know, not blindly trust, but overwhelmingly know.
Painful to let loose, my grip to the differences of knowing, belief, faith and hope,
It's aching to be stuck on a quivering slope,
Birth to death, I'll search the truth,
And til dust or beyond, I'll eat of good fruits.
-aubs
09-07-24
“Hymn to the Unfound God” is a reflection of my deepest struggles, a confession of my relentless search for something divine… something I once thought I believed in, but now question with each passing day. I’ve spent countless hours in solitude, pouring over scripture, praying, hoping for a whisper of truth, for some undeniable evidence of God’s existence. But my belief never burned bright enough for them.
In this poem, I try to capture the exhaustion that comes with endlessly charting a path between faith and doubt. It’s a delicate balance, a quivering slope, where I find myself clinging to the distinction between belief, knowledge, and hope. I ache to “know”, not to merely accept through faith alone. The yearning to understand gnaws at me, pushing me forward, even as uncertainty weighs me down. My search for truth feels endless, but I am determined to continue until I find it, whether in this life or beyond (if it exists).
There’s a melancholy feeling in realizing that faith may not be enough for me, that my grip on hope sometimes loosens… but even in my doubt, I hold fast to the possibility that truth will reveal itself in time. This poem is my hymn to the God I have yet to find, and the journey that persists in his/her/their absence.
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