“And I know that when she told me growing up,
that she can't wait to die and be in heaven…..
I often took that as her way of saying she wished she never had custody of me and my siblings,
she probably wished it was me that was dead,
or her daughter she had at 15 and could never genuinely connect to,
As she didnt with most people,
She couldn't handle taking care of others properly,
she couldn’t stand our emotions,
she couldn't stand her own….
Yes, she can't wait to die,
She can't wait to leave her personal pains and burdens behind…
sadly, most of them were and are people….
Her inner child still sits in the corners of her soul,
shaking from the snarling monster she faced for years then became,
she could never escape and couldn't get it out of her mind.
Her way of coping was becoming what she feared and hated in her mother,
She feels so convicted and proud that some God forgives what she refuses to put effort into fixing,
She always loved acting and being noticed for the talent of faking,
She caged herself and caged others,
then called them all crazy,
while laughing behind her own set of handmade rusty bars,
While drowning in her own puddles of vindictive performative tears,
Telling everyone she loves them and quoting scriptures that she memorized for the intent to wound intead of heal.
-aubs
April 27, 2024
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