In the past few months I’ve been experiencing a deep feeling of existential anxiety- a chrisis if you will- and along with it, the deepest fear that God doesn’t exist. I don’t know how long it will last but I remember the 20+ years of a deep feeling and belief in God… I remember how simple it felt to just believe and I felt so immune to the perils of doubt and confusion. And now that is the heaviest weight of what I feel.
I’m told to just read my scriptures and pray, told to just believe, told to just do “this” or “that” by people who feel so certain, sure and secure in their choice of belief or routine of life…. but I’ve come to find it is going to take so much more than just a book, many nights of crying in prayers or reviewing words of encouragement to heal or make light of what feels unfixable, chaotic, confusing and overwhelming within myself all the way deep into my bones …. with all the skepticism, doubt, confusion, fear and pain I’ve been feeling… it’s going to take so much more than the simple answers I’m being given, even the cookie cutter-straightforward-simplistic words that come from some people who barely even understand or grasp what THEY feel and believe. I mean, I complain daily about what’s happening to me, I hurt and I suffer.. I even drift through a mundane day with intense fear despite knowing that fear makes it worse yet it’s a fear that’s unshakable… I can completely understand that it’s a privilege to live in a constant existential crisis, I can see positives in that… putting work into my soul rather than receiving outward possessions of life, caring for others more than myself, leaving things better than I found it before my death… it’s a privilege to feel like this despite the hardship, It basically means everything else is taken care of and the only thing left to worry about is the condition of my own mortality …. The condition of what I do with my life outwardly and inwardly, while I’m living, no matter what I believe, is the most important thing I can focus on. How I’m doing, saying, perceiving, being, reacting, understanding…..
I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints 10 years ago on August 31st 2013. I joined not because I fully believed, but because I have hope that it’s true even to this day. I do not know nor believe it, I just hope it’s true and have faith it can be or is.
When I was meeting with missionaries in my 3rd foster home (it took more than 3 or 4 transfers of missionaries to meet a missionary who could talk me into getting baptized) I fought it. I fought it with my whole soul and all my energy.
I ultimatly joined because it FELT right as do many people for that reason. But my reasoning goes a lot deeper than it just “feeling right”…
I joined because I loved the structure.
Because I loved the organization I hadn’t grown up with.
Because they offer their doctrine that I’ve always thought and still think makes perfect sense and I’ve cherished and will forever cherish.
I joined because I thought that by now I’d fully believe. That I’d somehow “brainwash” myself into “knowing”, as some call it. I’m too aware of so much to be “brainwashed”— I fully understand so much due to this existential chrisis.
I thought that surely by NOW, 10 years later, that I’d KNOW or deeply believe this church or it’s doctrine to be true.
But I don’t.
I merely have hope and faith in it. Same as my very “belief” in God. It’s just hope and faith that is unwavering. And has been unwavering (for the most part), since I was born.
I don’t want to leave. I want it all to be true. I want to be in the “right church” but I do not believe that everyone can or will understand where I’m coming from. Right exactly where I’m coming from.
I do not believe in “the true church”, however I do believe that where there is humility, gratitude, generosity, origination, love, kindness, diversity and patience…. Then by those fruits I admire greatly. By those fruits are where I see growth, beauty and the closest I can find to any form of a higher power and what they stand for.
I do not believe that the church I choose to be a part of is the only religion or belief system where you can be close to God or find him. Nor is it the only religion or belief system that will make you feel whole, loved, joyous, or help you maintain generosity, kindness, humility, gratitude, love and patience. I’ve never believed that.
However- what works for one won’t work for another. I’ve known and know many people who are a part of different religions who show these very fruits (fruits of the spirit), Catholics, atheists, Satanist’s, Islamic, agnostic, “Mormon”, nondenominational Christian, methodist, Pentecostal, pagan, Buddhist, Jewish…. I can go on…. I’ve met so many people of so many different and similar backgrounds and belief systems that I couldn’t even count on all 10 fingers twice. All these people I’m thinking fondly of have shown “the fruits” whether to/for me or to/for another as I’ve witnessed in awe.
Let’s stop trying to control others beliefs and faith and work on our own. Love others by noticing the “fruits” they naturally portray or are working on portraying. I’m not telling you to simply accept flaws in others but I am telling you to simply accept that others will believe and have faith in something that makes sense to THEM in their reality, in their understanding, in their heart, in their timing.
Let's face the music- this world is diverse not only in skin color and cultural backgrounds but in thousands of other ways. The intricacies of the multitude of differences should be celebrated and embraced far more than we allow ourselves to do so.
I want to be accepted in my church for having hope and faith that the doctrine being taught is true despite not BELIEVING or KNOWING. I don’t want to be excommunicated, kept from the temple, kept from being invited to things, kept from callings, avoided, neglected, isolated… I want to know I’m not alone when it comes to what I’m going through or at least know I won’t be left alone due to it.
It’s hard to explain any of what I’m saying which is why it’s taken me several weeks to type this all out.
Frank Kafka an incredible novelist once said- “I am constantly trying to communicate something incommunicable, to explain something inexplicable, to tell about something I only feel in my bones and which can only be experienced in those bones.“
And the great philosopher, Albert Camus once said- “Integrity has no need for rules“
-Which clearly I heavily understand. (no I am not alone in this but I just wanted to speak about my personal experience with it)
Maybe, the existential anxiety that becomes overwhelming at times much like my chronic pain, maybe it will never change and I don’t want it to get worse and it may not but the unknown simply terrifies me. I’m grieving while being terrified. Living is scary. Dying is scary. Existing and being conscious is horrendous in general despite the good and joyous moments.
I’ll figure out how to cope but right now I’m just scared and confused.
So let’s not judge others when it comes to their beliefs of what comes after… some people don’t even have a full belief or have a hard time figuring out what to put their spiritual energy in. Some found what they want and need and don’t want to be persuaded. Some don’t understand things the way you do. If some are late to church or don’t show up, just know every human is different then you and believe differently then you despite being in the same exact church. If sone refuse to attend a church or conform to any set belief system then accept them! It shouldn’t be that hard!
I joined the LDS church because it’s a belief system that helps me, personally, become a better person. The guidelines, the policy’s, the songs, the scriptures, general conference…. I joined because it’s the kind of structure, joy, guidance, and community service filled religious organization that I needed when I got baptized and still need.
Regardless of it being true or not, I’ve weighed the pros and cons and I’ve found that there is more pros in me staying then there are of me leaving.
Again- I want to be accepted in my church for having hope and faith that the doctrine being taught is true despite not BELIEVING or KNOWING.
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