I never knew how to explain how I ended up falling in love with Jason after 8 years of knowing him. But as I thought about it on and off for a few months, it came to me in the peace of the morning one day.
I’ll explain it like this, the way I came to realize my love for Jason is almost exactly how I realized my love and devotion towards the gospel of Jesus Christ through The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints.
Let me dive deeper here- I’m a convert of the church. It’s been 10 years, a whole decade as of August 31, 2013, since I’ve been a member of this widely loved yet widely hated, highly misunderstood yet kinda screwed up past and present of a church…. It’s been a roller coaster being a member. I’ve gotten to know some very sad things but I’ve also gotten to know some of the most amazing things and seen some of the most beautiful pieces of my life bloom simply due to my devotion to this gospel and membership of this church.
In the very week I was deciding to join, it took me several years to get to that point (from age 10 I was knowledgeable of the church in many ways but not enough to fully know, just enough to verbally fight any missionary I met about it, I was told lies mixed with truth and I held onto it and used it against members of the church)
It took me several years to get to the point of deciding to get baptized, the week of that decision was confusing, filled with doubts, pain, heartache, avoidance, and fear… somewhere from the very depths of my soul I felt a gentle and peaceful tug, a push, a hand of guidance, the iron rod or the Holy Ghost if you want to call it that, leading me towards this huge decision. A decision that would change my life and make a magnificent impact on who I am as a human and daughter of God.
I did not know that the church was true. But I believed it. I believe that the gospel is true. I believe that the church, though with its multiple and annoying downfalls, has had a bigger and more beautiful impact on me than any other church or belief I tried to be a part of.
This church and belief is not for everyone. And I’ll be damned if anyone tries and tells others that they will go to hell if they do not join this church.
I just wanted to add that somewhere deep inside of me knew that if I chose to get baptized and join this church and strive to follow the gospel teachings, I’d have a beautiful life.
Now I’ve had doubts here and there and I’ve almost left the church multiple times without telling anyone, simply because my life wasn’t that beautiful in multiple areas, and most of those areas that were not beautiful, it was out of my control but I was made to feel that it was ALL my fault.
It was the power of God and Christs love that helped me ignore a lot of that hate, or misunderstanding and helped me realize that life is beautiful in big ways but also the tiniest of ways and though I’m attune to picking up on those tiny beautiful things, the world can make the big scary things feel more overwhelming and heavy than they truly are. Shadowing the good and lowering my hope and faith at times.
My choice to get baptized was not an easy choice. It wasn’t me thinking it was a fix all solution. It wasn’t me thinking I’d magically be sinless. It was me jumping into an opportunity that I knew just felt beautiful and gave me the calmest feeling of peace, joy, and “at home” feeling which a girl like me at 17 at the time, no true home, multiple foster homes and looked down upon by many members due to my wild personality and past life, has ever felt.
The same goes with my marriage. I’ve known him for 8 years. It took me 8 years to get to know this person on very deep levels before deeply falling in love with him.
The week of me figuring out I love Jason, it was confusing, full of fear, relief, doubt, and peace.
But, I knew what I wanted, and it was to be with this man. It’s been about 8 years since I’ve known Jason, and it took me 7 to figure out that what I felt for him wasn’t simply just a platonic soulmate sort of feeling that for several years I believed myself and tried to get others to believe…. This is most assuredly genuine, unselfish and wholesome ever-blooming love.
And God helped me figure that out super fast once Jason started dating others again after our first relationship together (5 years ago) after his separation…
The realization hit me like a flood that has STILL yet to stop.
This relationship has had rockiness but above all, we get through things. And if I had to go through life again, I wouldn’t want to go through what we’ve been through, all over again with anyone else.
Relationships of every kind are in need of daily care, and I hope you put that needed, sometimes small and greatly impacting effort into each relationship you have. With yourself, God, the earth, your partner/spouse, kids, parents, siblings…. I hope you know I want us all to heal and live in peace…
-Love you,
Aubs <3
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