Social Media Break For A Year pt1

I'm going a year without Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.

Here's a journal entry (filled out at 1am, i was damn tired)

(01-19-25)

1. What moment or experience this week made you feel most alive or present?

Cooking for my family. Though It's viewed as a mundane and repetitive actionnof mine, therefore unworthy to fully appreciate, I deeply appreciate my own almost superhuman-like ability to really, as they say, throw down, in the kitchen. When I cook, its like the chef deep in my bones just takes control and i'm focused…. Yeah I could see myself getting like 3rd place in some cooking show on food network. That's where my confidence level is. Also I'm doing pretty damn good with photography, editing and backdrop set up. Been fantasizing over being a set designer for some plays here and there…. I think I'd be phenomenal at it. Medical cannabis is a real life saver, especially in drink form. It lasts longer and really gets deep to my muscle pain, nerve pain and joint pain from Lupus and my anxiety and dozens of other symptoms from BPD… I'm closer to my husband, I'm cooking way more, I'm having full on conversations with my 15 yr old daughter, and she doesn't have a phone which brings us even more closer, she'll get sick of me for longer one day, like she does when she's mad at me, but again, longer. Its normal but i'm enjoying what I'm given for now.… we are so close to convincing Jason to agree on us all getting a cat or a bird.. or a little dog.. or a hamster… really anything cute and cuddly and small… I'd get a damn bearded dragon if possible… not as cuddly… but I'd like to give my naturally hot body heat to an animal more fitting. A hot rock, snoozing, roasty toasty, bearded dragon, yup… claws and all…. I guess I just got a soft spot for the thorny green things.

I'm alive. My existential dread, fear, pain, thoughts, dreams, feelings…. Its there but ut gelps me acceot the reality that we all die. Rich, poor, in the middle… We all go to the same dust, in a container, basic skeleton, whole or powdered…

Other than THAT- I'm having what I heard some people calling them, “normal people problems”. I'm not used to it, but I'm slowly getting the hang of embracing them. I'm not used to less chaos. My body panics in calm. And this exposure therapy is the best kind that I'll ever get in my life haha. That's funny, laugh.

So I feel alive! And present.

2. What was the most surprising thing you learned or realized this week?

-That powdered milk I'd phenomenal in baked goods.

-that im a genius for finding out about nude fine art photography and portraits, that it exists, that people buy nudes for the art and beauty rather than seggual view of it– that's my kind of work! I'm my own model and photographer THANK YOU! so when I get rich, remember … I believed in and continuously invested time and energy into someone I found initially to be weird, uncool and embarrassing…. Myself… I'm taking this year to become stronger, in every possible way.

-that 15 year olds will pretend to find you uncool…. but you can tell theres at least a hint of wonder, respect and astonishment when they start hearing you mention facts about your teen years…. Yes girl, you were cringe, but it's cool to your teen that you can relate to that cringe. Relating is a superpower, but use it wisely.

3. If this week were a song, poem, or metaphor, what would it be and why?

Sailboat by Ben Rector

I feel alone. I feel unworthy of close relationships outside of my marriage simply because of my diagnoses and my inability to stay away from what some would just simply call it, “bad luck”... or a curse… and I think it's my overly deep thoughts and feelings i'm cursed with that keep me from dwelling in the goodness and joy that seem to only last for minutes, hours, a day or 2…. But never a significant time to keep me in a steady mood for a steady neurOTYPICAL AMOUNT OF TIME! I'm a drifting sailboat on the waters of grief and loneliness. My GOD do I feel so alone!!!! I CAN'T SCREAM RIGHT NOW BUT I CAN TYPE!!!!! AAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! (*Note, screaming in the forest photography idea..)

Nothings wrong, I'm fine… I'm just a silly sailboat drifting and dilly dallying….

4. What was the hardest thing about staying off social media this week, and how did you overcome it?

I usually find it as an escape to be fully honest. Anxious, social media scroll. Mad, social media scroll. Afraid, social media scroll. Happy, social media scroll. Bored, social media scroll…. Its a trap. A cycle. The literal definition of insanity. I did it for community but it always turned into a competition. With algorithm. Other people. Likes. Comments. Shares. New products. Vacations. Needs not being met. Politics. Family drama…. Need I go on? No. ..

I got addicted to likes on my photos. It took away my genuinous. It muddled the waters of my creativity I was constantly just pouring out in hopes to overthrow some algorithm set out to destroy many truly creative people out there plus myself. I got high off of the idea that if I kept posting and getting likes, I'd become wider known across Utah and then I'd be worthy of support from friends and family…. Im worthy NOW. If I'm not worthy now, to support and invest in me…. Then your thoughts and feelings about me are not genuine or loving.

I overcame my addiction for likes…. Halfway. I'm a work in progress. But half of me that was addicted, realized something… that social media is a tool people use to sometimes talk about hard things, but it's mainly used to post about the highlights, the good, what you think others want to hear. Make sure you think about how they might react or feel about the words you're saying, and make sure that you add that you don't care, though you do…. I could give more examples but you get what I'm saying I hope.

Overcoming is a progress filled lifetime event that could last decades.

5. Describe a connection or interaction with someone that made your week feel meaningful.

Sunday night, dinner and movie at The Stokes, medical cannabis helped me be funnier cuz I wasn't overthinking my jokes and just delivered like the astounding comedian I am. We watched Unsung Hero…,

For King and country is my favorite band and I've gone to 3 concerts so far, and I tell everyone I'm FK&C’s number 1 fan cuz it's true and factual… there is scientific and biological evidence for all this…. Maybe… for legal reasons there isn't… for comedic and real reasons… there is… anyway tears during the movie, laughs, relatable moments, foster doggo, Swedish fish, bean bag, blanket… good times.

6. What did you accomplish or create this week that you're proud of, no matter how small?

I've made it something to strive for, take a group of photos a day, edit and save them then delete from camera to save space for more… just daily photos. I've been crushing it.

7. What did you observe in the world this week that you might have missed while scrolling social media?

Lots of birds. Hazy sky from California fires. Things and places that would work so well for specific photography shoot ideas. Dogs! I have to just force myself to do dishes, it's easy and relaxing after some edibles, a few dishes and mad focus skills… cuz edibles.

8. How did you take care of your mental and emotional well-being this week?

Shower more. Drink more water. Edibles schedule. Walking around more even if it's more chores when too scared to walk around the neighborhood. Using more I FEEL statements.

9. What’s one thing you’re grateful for this week that you rarely acknowledged before?

That my husband is so insanely tired and so am I so I need to just accept a few flaws and stop complaining about them for good cuz I too am full of flaws he tries to ignore... when convenient sometimes.

We are both tired fools. He just sleeps more…. I type this at 12:30am lol lucky him… snoring… Dream land…

10. What’s a piece of advice you’d give to someone considering a social media break based on this week’s experience?

Do it…. Give yourself 1 year of your life (or even more, routinely) a year long or 6 months, routinely, away from social media. It connects you with your true self and your family, more than any app in your phone provably EVER will.

Here's some photos I took this week: