The past few years have been a spiritual crucible for me, and though words may falter, I will try to convey the depths of my experience. After a decade of devout conversion, I found myself stepping away from the Mormon church, driven by a confluence of realizations that surfaced in my consciousness. One of the most profound was the recognition that I had compelled myself to believe in a higher being—God—not from an authentic place of faith, but from a lifelong pattern of people-pleasing. Raised in a Christian environment, I received positive affirmation whenever I professed belief, and so, in an effort to belong, I tried to make that belief an integral part of my identity.
In recent years, however, I have rigorously challenged myself to differentiate between faith, belief, knowledge, and hope, dissecting each with exhaustive introspection. Though I recently identified as agnostic, I now find myself placing hope above all else. I would describe myself as a Hopeful Christian, someone who yearns for the existence of God, who hopes that there is a life of peace beyond this one, and who believes that this path holds greater fulfillment than the destructive alternatives I once contemplated.
I understand that everyone holds their own beliefs and moral codes, and these can evolve—sometimes subtly, sometimes radically. All I ask for is love and support as I navigate this journey, and for understanding that I may not align with traditional Christian views. Though my morals and politics may diverge from those of many Christians, I wish to retain the label of Christian in a way that reflects my current stance—a Christian who is simply hoping, hoping that God exists as I continue to read, write, and explore the possibility of His presence.
To some, my journey may seem like an exhausting and futile pursuit until death. But the longing for a higher power, one who is both in charge and protective, has never left my heart. I hope that if God exists, and if heaven is real, this desire will be enough to find acceptance in His embrace when my time comes.
For now, as the poet I am, I will continue to write about many things, but I will also delve into my perceptions of God’s existence, exploring the scriptures and my hope for His presence. Whatever unfolds during this journey, I ask not to be persuaded into arguments; I am simply following what feels right for me as it emerges on my path.
Hopeful Christian
I am torn, yet somehow whole,
I left the fold to find my soul.
Years of faith, once forced and blind,
Now I seek with my open heart and mind,
The truth, the light, the sweet relief,
Beyond the bounds of old belief.
Hope ascends where doubt subtly resides,
In the quiet where my heart confides.
Faith and knowledge is each a strand,
I try to weave them through with trembling hand.
Yearning deep for something more,
A higher power in a distant score.
In this quest my spirit roams,
In scriptures, shadows, silent homes,
I chase the light to the unseen grace,
In every sacred and hallowed space.
Empowered by the path I tread,
Hope is the flame that keeps me led.
Let no argument sway my stride,
For in this journey, I confide.
A heart that hopes and a soul set free,
I walk this road, my destiny.
-aubs
August 19, 2024
Comments