When Anger Masks Pain: Living with BPD and Fighting to Be Seen

Emotions are rarely simple. Anger, in particular, often wears the mask of something much deeper… unmet needs, rejection, and unspoken pain.

 When you live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), anger becomes a misunderstood symptom, a flare that often isolates you from those you need most. It’s a cruel irony… the moments when you most require compassion are the moments when others turn away, overwhelmed by the fire you didn’t choose but must carry.

For years, I’ve felt unseen in my pain. My husband, who holds a clinical psychology degree and has helped others through their challenges, often responds to my BPD symptoms differently than he would if I were living with something more socially accepted… like autism (I admit, those with autism are still stigmatized, but my point is that BPD is more stigmatized). And that’s the thing… conditions like autism are more and more as the years go by, receiving the understanding and care they deserve, as they should, while BPD remains shrouded in stigma. My story is not unique, but it is deeply personal.

In this post, I want to shed light on this reality… how Borderline Personality Disorder, especially its misunderstood symptom of anger, creates barriers in relationships… and what we can do to bridge those gaps with empathy and understanding.

The Invisible Pain Behind BPD Anger

“You always see my anger but almost never my pain.”

That single sentence reflects the experience of countless people living with BPD. Anger is the surface layer, the visible eruption of something buried much deeper. For me, my anger emerges when I feel unheard, rejected, or dismissed. It’s not an act of aggression for its own sake… it’s a signal. My emotions reach a breaking point, and anger becomes the loudest way I know to scream, “See me. Help me.”

But instead of seeing the wound behind the fire, people often shrink back. They distance themselves, judge, or dismiss it as “overreacting” or “complaining.” This reaction is amplified in close relationships, especially when you’re relying on someone to see past the outburst and into the root of the pain.

Let’s compare this to autism for a moment… because society’s responses to these two conditions couldn’t be more different. If someone on the autism spectrum lashes out or struggles to regulate their emotions, the response over the years, has become more understanding. People know the individual isn’t intentionally trying to hurt others or act irrationally… they’re navigating sensory overload, unmet needs, or communication struggles… Care, patience, and gentleness follow… But when someone with BPD reacts with anger? It’s different. We’re often labeled as manipulative, attention-seeking, or “too much.” Our symptoms are misinterpreted as character flaws instead of manifestations of a disorder. The fire of anger obscures the pain, leaving us feeling rejected at the moments we need connection most.

Understanding the Science: Anger and Emotional Dysregulation in BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex mental health condition that affects how individuals regulate their emotions, interact with others, and perceive themselves. One of the hallmark symptoms of BPD is emotional dysregulation… experiencing emotions more intensely, for longer periods, and struggling to return to a baseline state.

According to a study published in Biological Psychiatry (2014), individuals with BPD show heightened activity in the amygdala, the brain’s emotional processing center, alongside reduced regulation from the prefrontal cortex. This means emotions like anger, fear, and sadness can hit harder and last longer, making it incredibly difficult to calm down once triggered.

Anger in BPD often stems from feelings of rejection, abandonment, or invalidation. For me, it’s like screaming about a thorn lodged in my hand. I’m not screaming to annoy or burden others… I’m screaming because the thorn hurts. When my husband, or anyone I love, distances themselves or dismisses my experience, it compounds that pain. I usually end up feeling uncared for and given-up-on… The challenge is that anger tends to push people away when what I truly need is for someone to come closer… to listen, to validate, to gently help me remove the thorn.

A Personal Example: When Understanding Isn’t Equal

I’ve watched my husband show care, patience, and support for individuals who are autistic… people who might also struggle (and a few have struggled) with outbursts, emotional regulation, or communication. In those moments, his understanding is immediate. His responses are calm and compassionate, grounded in his clinical training. 

And yet, often times, when my BPD symptoms flare… when anger spills over because I feel unheard or rejected… his response often feels different. He pulls away. He sees me as difficult, as volatile. The patience he extends to others feels absent with me, the person who needs him most.

And I know it's not his fault…

It’s not that he doesn’t love me. I know he does. But love, in these moments, has to be more than words… it has to show up in action. Consistently.  Not forever. My Symptoms lessen with age… the action just needs to be a bit more consistant. It has to say, “I see your pain. I may not understand it fully, but I will stand with you, not against you.”

This discrepancy between understanding autism and BPD is something I see not just in my marriage, but in society at large. Autism has benefited from years of research, advocacy, and growing public awareness. Borderline Personality Disorder, on the other hand, remains one of the most stigmatized and misunderstood mental health conditions.

The Stigma Surrounding BPD

BPD is often referred to as the “most misunderstood mental illness.” Despite affecting an estimated 1.4% of the population (according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness), it receives far less research, advocacy, and public education compared to conditions like autism or depression.

The stigma stems from misconceptions:

“People with BPD are manipulative.” In reality, many behaviors that are labeled as manipulative are survival strategies developed to cope with trauma, rejection, or intense emotional pain.

“They’re just overreacting.” Emotional intensity is not a choice… it’s a symptom rooted in neurological differences and past experiences. (Yes I know, one has to work on their own symptoms, but my blog post is about people with bpd needing help from trusted loved ones, friends and/or a therapist to help with certain symptoms much like some people with a autism also struggle with and get help for)

“They’ll never get better.” While BPD can be challenging, research shows that with proper treatment (like Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT), individuals can experience significant improvement in symptoms and quality of life.

This stigma has real consequences. It impacts how friends, family, and even professionals respond to those of us with BPD. It creates barriers to seeking support and deepens feelings of shame and isolation.

The Pain of Rejection in Relationships

For those of us with BPD, relationships are both our greatest source of joy and our deepest vulnerability. 

Rejection… whether real or perceived… hits harder.

 It triggers a cascade of emotions… fear, shame, anger, and sadness. This is not because we’re “overly dramatic” but because our nervous systems are wired to respond more intensely to threats of abandonment or invalidation.

When my husband touches me less during these moments, when his patience thins, it feels like a rejection of me as a whole… not just my anger, but my pain, my needs, my existence.

Physical and emotional distance becomes a trigger in itself, compounding the very symptoms that caused it.

It’s a vicious cycle:

1. I feel unheard or invalidated.

2. Anger erupts as a symptom of that pain.

3. My husband pulls away, overwhelmed.

4. I feel rejected and unheard, deepening my distress.

Breaking this cycle requires mutual understanding and effort. It requires recognizing that my anger is not a personal attack… it’s a symptom of something deeper. It requires my husband, and others, to lean in instead of pulling away.

How Partners Can Support Someone with BPD

If you love someone with BPD, here are a few ways to support them:

1. Educate Yourself. Learn about BPD, emotional dysregulation, and how it manifests in relationships. Recognize that anger is often a signal, not an attack.

2. Validate Their Feelings. Even if you don’t fully understand, validation can be powerful. Phrases like “I hear you,” “Your feelings make sense,” or “I’m here for you” can defuse emotional intensity. (I'm dead serious on this one)

3. Stay Calm and Present. When emotions run high, your calm presence can make all the difference. Pulling away often worsens the situation.

4. Prioritize Physical Connection. Small gestures… a hug, holding hands, a gentle touch… can communicate safety and love when words fail. (Of course you must know firsthand if they respond well with physical touch from you first)

5. Encourage Therapy and Treatment. DBT, in particular, is highly effective for managing BPD symptoms. Couples therapy can also provide tools to strengthen communication and understanding.

6. Reflect on Your Role. Ask yourself: Am I responding with compassion, or am I allowing stigma to cloud my view?

Conclusion: Choosing Empathy Over Distance

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is not easy. The pain I feel is real, and the anger you see is only the surface of something much deeper. My plea, not just to my husband but to anyone who loves someone with BPD, is this…  see beyond the anger. Lean in when it’s hardest. Recognize that the person you love is hurting, and that your compassion can make all the difference.

We are not “too much.” We are not unlovable. We are human… flawed, beautiful, and worthy of care. If you vowed to stand by someone in their darkest moments, let that promise include understanding their pain, even when it’s disguised as anger.

Because love isn’t just for the easy days. It’s for the days when the thorn hurts, and all we need is for someone to help us pull it out.

Final Thought:

If you know someone struggling with BPD, share this with them… or with those who love them. Understanding starts with empathy, and empathy can heal wounds we never thought possible.