26 days at this women’s homeless shelter…

Alright guys, no more over-editing for me… you get raw and real, I’m not playing this game anymore, masking and people pleasing, it’s overwhelming…. So just read it how I say it all in my mind and often now, out loud… under-edited and unhinged.

So… to start off here, I know I look like some innocent girl, lately I say I look like a teenage boy cuz I cut my hair like a freak. Which I am.…

But

I love being sensual AND sexual. If I’m taking care of my body, my mind, my emotions and my life…. me eating edibles, taking photos and videos of myself, being non-monogamous with my husbands consent while I’m dating women and getting in-touch with the entirety of myself through kink, weed and laughter…… it should never be a problem like it is viewed as by so many people.

I’m tired of feeling ashamed of being non-monogomous, it’s a dynamic that works best for me and my brain and nervous system and my husband understands that. Hetoronormity alongside monogamy-normativity has created a culture within our environments that have cultivated this deeply rooted shame that spans across generations. It’s embedded within our DNA. Our genetic codes. Kink is psychologically beneficial. Such as living one’s truth to their sexuality or relationship dynamic they need. That best suits them.

I struggle with shame because I don’t like people misunderstanding. My autism makes me analyze and be hyper vigilant about many things, one of them being my addiction to making sure people don’t misunderstand me so I either dwell on it in thought or I over explain, which in turn causes a lot of anxiety, burnout and untimely a meltdown. And that’s not something you can just explain to people. Autism is complicated to understand for yourself let alone trying to explain it to others. I’m trying to be more quiet about my relationship dynamic because I’ve come across a lot of judgement. And the same think with kink…. And other things…. So if I’m quiet about it I suffer with not being totally seen however I avoid judgement and majority of the people here at this shelter I’ve lived at for 26 days now, are judgmental toward non-monogamy and especially anything sexual like kink or sexy photos (it’s all a part of who I am and I can’t be open about it? It’s like I’m back in the closet.) so I have to wait it out with certain people before they can know that side of me. From now on I treat it as an interview for who I can trust. Which doesn’t sound too and but some people here are unpredictable.

One thing about all the hiding myself bullshit…. I miss the privacy of smoking from a bong, snapping some photos of my own body from my Canon EOS R10, listening to loud music that I choose, walking around our room in my underwear…. God this place really sucks but also doesn’t…. I love it because of some of the people I have gotten to know and I’m not panicking every 20 minutes because of some financial or familial chaos. Plus there’s this woman here I’ve been in awe with for the last 26 days and she has no idea how much I love to listen to her, fantasize about her (yes in that way), spend time with her, be her friend…. Some people say she’s into women and some say she isn’t so I’m completely unsure and it adds to me not telling her… Honestly I don’t even want to tell her, not just because I’m afraid of her rejecting me, but I also don’t want to ruin the friendship. I am happy with whatever she wants to give me and how she wants to give me it ;) oh god …. Anything for that woman. 👀🫦

Ok anyway….

I’ve decided to try to type out deep thoughts and my feelings a bit more for my blog while I’m here. Maybe I’d get more readers? I doubt that so much dude. Nobody reads my words and genuinely enjoys this right? Nobody in real life likes listening to me… I’m so pessimistic right now I’m so sorry 😂

Anyway, I’m very much into hippie shit like weed, free love, all that gay shit, and fantasy/bdsm/kink lifestyle. I’m what many would label as a fucking whore or slut. Which I jokingly say I am. (I really CAN be to the right people)

But I’m not ashamed of it in reality. I love it. I love talking about sex, body parts, what makes people horny, casual kissing and sex, living a fun fantasy filled, kink life with women… maybe living in a commune with a few mistresses and I serve them and I stay married to my husband … I mean we all have our thing, go find yours! 💞