Caught Feelings While Living In a Women's Homeless Shelter

Today I unmasked in front of about 8-15 women in the women’s shelter. I’ve noticed many here who who are autistic or neurospicy.  And they are overly open about it. And they are happy being themselves. Somehow they managed to live here unmasked. And I find that to be a happy thing. Because it gives me chances to unmask or mask and I’ve been choosing to unmask at times. Only thing that’s helped me wasn’t the alcohol but the weed. I’ve taken up drinking and I’m appalled at myself. Silly me looked up the actual effects of beer, drinking beer on a daily basis is not good for your health because regular alcohol intake puts a continuous strain on your body and increases the risk of chronic disease including but not limited to fatty liver disease, major dehydration and diabetes! Weed makes my mouth dry (makes me drink more water) and makes me eat too many snacks.

So no, I now say no to alcohol not on the weekends and yes to green, no more mixing though. I don’t think it’s a good idea to ever do that, I’d prefer just having one bad memory of me mixing them and having any form of conversation with the angry drunk I have the hots for here.

God forbid I have feelings, thoughts, fantasies and desires. I suppressed that for the last 15 years of my life. If she can flirt so can I. If I’m open to being celibate alongside her, I can do that. Not once did sit down to tell me all her boundaries. She’ll just tell me as things come up and that’s not how I process things. If she can flirt and make sexual comments- so can I, I’m allowing my suppressed and repressed gay ass go along with it… I’m not going back in the closet. I’m staying outside of it. Outside of it I am devoted to friends, partners, and any adult over 18 I feel closest to romantically in a non monogomous sense. The sense that that can look very different for every relationship. Every relationship is different. Create your own. A dynamic, which my autistic ass loves dynamics and set schedules, perfect for me. My dynamic I’m searching to create is a broad amount of women, they can be friends who only hold hands, friends who have no sexual desire for you nor wants to (can be asexual), they can be friends that fuck each other, friends that don’t but will link arms on walks, sometimes these dynamics shift and change within eachother. Some things within each dynamic will change and some don’t…. Not every friend or lover is that close some are, free love has fucking changed my life. Studying that shit has gave me hope for me and the next  40-70 years of my life. I have time to partake in what religion taught me was evil but is something healing and some dynamics even involve kink which is proven to be healing for trauma and ptsd. So next time I tell women about kink as soon as I find out they find me attractive and like me, I will harp on the psychological benefits of kink. I’m autistic, many autistic individuals are involved with kink, another fact. And kink has proven to serve as physiologically healing for mental health by also sensory stimming and some aren’t even sexual. Though some are. Mine are. But I will not being sharing mine on here because I plan on putting this in my blog however if your 18+ you can find me on FetLife. Google it. Make an account, then you can see my profile for free. Anyway!

What I’m saying is, my dynamic I built which is the shape of the relationship I want but the shape is empty, I need to fill it like a puzzle with the people that fit those shapes. Their dynamic desires, consent… you get it.

This woman fits a portion of that shape. And a beautiful shape I might add. She’s my first love as an adult woman. It’s scary as hell. And her being older (I like 35-60 - harmless kink to share ;) ) matches my kink. Her being a mom, yes, kink too.

Those goddamn sky blue eyes, fucking smile that has literally made my knees weak as hell a few times a day. Yeah, kinky as fuck to me. The light curl at the base of her neck below her very golden silk strands, softly touching her soft creamy skin, almost like food but begging for a fucking nibble. Sorry I’m a poet, it’s how I process things like fantasies and life. That’s my kink, the details of each individual lover I want to touch. They get the poetry. The lovers do. I’m the sub, it’s my main kink. — anyway!

If she wants to build with me a specific kind of relationship comfortable to her and I follow, I’ll do it.

Even if it’s literally just friends but that entails not flirting or checking me out which would be heavily difficult for this woman I am so fucking enamored by. I want her to think a whole year about it and remain celibate. Which is what she’s saying she’s going to do, remain celibate. And I believe I respected that, to a degree I normally wouldn’t. The highest. I respect her too much. She’s the first woman to make me 100% lock in and realize how attracted I am to the mommy/middle dynamic, it gets me going but also I believe could be the biggest healing kink. For me personally.

Reparenting helps trauma. Not seeing it as literal mommy and daughter, it’s simply the way a mother touches- but between two or more consenting adults in a sexual relationship. Simple enough right? Anyway, she’s got 100% of the energy, vibe, personality and her fucking soul, that my kinks require, she fits me, but do I fit her? Well I can’t know that til she and I have an actual conversation about dynamics, maybe kinks if she’s ever into talking about that as a future possibility, boundaries, rules, limits, etc…. These things are vital to healing out also the people involved. We are all connected and together we heal. I’ve researched this enough to live it NOW, and I’m unable to to the severity of my shyness. Damn my kink be a sub to multiple women, 1-5, also not all of this is orgys, sometimes it’s just individual dynamics. Go wear the puzzle seems to fit idk. If I don’t fit her in any way, but friend, I can accept that.

Anyway! I will spare the story’s details other than, she said to me “I’m not your girlfriend!” And in my head I was like “man what the fuck, I never thought you fucking were” but I was high and drunk so idk what the hell I said. Then all I remember is I ran back and forth a few times. Sounds crazier than what happened. Dumbass me thought she’d be angry and horny too, no. No kiss. Just avoidance and a sandwich she handed me and I threw away then paid her back for. Then cried about that action I took too, I’m fucking depressed and trying to process shit by typing all I can about my thoughts and feelings, in fact every word is straight from my brain and I literally can’t even turn it off. So hence me sitting here typing, with THC running through my veins, brain and nervous system. Weed heals.  I threw away her fucking sandwich. And I starved myself for the next day as my own punishment. Like, psychologically I’m not fucking ok, right? Do you see now? This is real this is me.

I’ve been listing to Motion Sickness by Phoebe Bridgers since 4am…. It’s now 12:11pm, I’ll be listening far longer after that.

I ended up taking deep breaths for a good amount of minutes, like 10-30, don’t know, THC candy a dorm-mate gave me has my brain in a chokehold. Time is non-existent in this realm lol. (Adding lol so you don’t think I’m crazy… lol)

10-30 minutes of slowly unmasking honestly about 85% of the way and it felt fucking healing. This is not something you can say to a neurotypical and they’ll fully understand.

Wide open dorm room, woman who thinks I’d ever be her girlfriend is 2 beds away from me,

8-10 women in the dorm room, it felt overwlhelming but I needed the release of stimming via deep breathing and music in my ears, I remember as a kid I stimmed doing that but I always had to be in a closet or the bathroom so I taught myself at a young age how to mask that and now I’m fucking refusing as an act of love for myself.

The night of said incident, I cried most of the night and drunkenly dropped my bottle multiple times on the concrete floor, multiple people saw me have a huge panic attack in the hallway, my tears wouldn’t stop for 30ish minutes, I missed 1st bed check, I can’t mix weed and alcohol again, I say no to alcohol (maybe just far far less and only at bar group settings) for this reason and many others I found out thanks to my special situation-ship bestie.

Anyway, I saw the red flags but they didn’t matter til they mattered. I won’t name all them… don’t worry I very well know my own and this ain’t about me in this part… She wants to practice celibacy but covers up the not healed hole that sex heals, with drugs of a certain kind and beer on a nightly basis…. I thought I could show her a more beautiful world, with me, however she wants… my plan? Ha: by being myself and she falls in love with me so deeply and intently she drops the bad in her life and grabs the good….. and flips her over on a bed on her stomach and leans in to whisper that she’s a good girl, cuz she fucking is…. I am a good girl.

Jk, just trying to be funny. Not funny? Have to be in a specific mood for that joke.

I’ve never met someone like this, with this kind of choice she made. I think I’ve done phenomenal with waiting a year and getting to know her over 11 whole months, then it and the friendship is uprooted over a miscommunication …. That’s literally what’s up.

Above all, her telling me “sweet pea if I was a (specific number I don’t clearly remember) younger, I’d take you right now.” That shit turned me on instantly. She had me fucking hooked on her. She must have known it too. She must know I’d hope for a possibility with her based off that.. I wasn’t expecting, I was just waiting for a real conversation she’d stop avoiding. I tried. I got yelled at and told “I’m not your girlfriend”, like… honey there’s all kinds of dynamics. I wasn’t thinking THAT at all.

Anyway I hope she reads my blog soon.