Diary Entry 11/25/24

Nov 25, 2024

The complexities of Borderline Personality Disorder often leave me feeling as though my behavior and emotions cast a shadow over my worth. In my darker moments, I wonder if my husband chose me not out of love for the safety and beauty our relationship offers, but as a reflection of his own unresolved pain… a trauma-bonded response shaped by the echoes of his previous, tumultuous 16-year marriage. It haunts me to think that perhaps he sought solace in the chaos he knows too well, while I, seeking reprieve from my own inner turmoil, found in him a sanctuary of stability and kindness.

There are times I struggle to reconcile the profound beauty of what we have with my own sense of unworthiness. I chose something extraordinary, something rare… a partnership that feels like home (despite the many arguments and struggles we have had and some we still have) But the fear lingers that he may have unknowingly chosen what feels familiar: chaos masquerading as comfort. And so, I wrestle with these thoughts, caught between gratitude for the life we’ve built and a gnawing doubt that whispers I am not enough.