Diary Entry 7/27/24

July 27, 2024 (our 4 week separation)

I acknowledge that both my husband and I possess our share of flaws and virtues. Yet, we now find ourselves in this separation because I refuse to return to a situation where he constantly ignores my requests for change. Over the years, I have repeatedly brought up these issues, sometimes letting them slide but increasingly feeling the desperate need for resolution. Despite my persistent efforts to communicate, beg, and draw his attention to these matters, I am continuously dismissed.

I admit my faults in our relationship and work on them earnestly, even if not always in the heat of the moment. In contrast, my husband rarely acknowledges his shortcomings, and when he does, there is little to no effort to address them. I am subjected to emotional abuse and manipulation, yet he perceives me as the emotional abuser. I understand why he might see it this way, and I have expressed this to him. From the very beginning, I have strived to work on myself, becoming less emotionally reactive over the last several years despite my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. While I have observed some positive changes in him, the negative aspects of our relationship now overwhelmingly outweigh the good.

I am at a loss, unsure of what to do other than to prolong this separation until I can find clarity. He once frequently bought me flowers, cheap ones but i never complained because flowers are flowers, and he once showered me with daily compliments and affirmations. He used to massage my feet without expecting anything in return, and I reciprocated. He cherished listening to whatever I had to say, hanging on every word, and eagerly read my poetry and listened to the songs I shared. He used to prioritize our time together, calling it dates, and made a point to put his phone down and look into my eyes, truly listening to my concerns, fears, and criticisms, helping me work through them.

However, in the past three years, he has become dismissive. Plays games and watches his phone or the tv far more so i've done the same to make up for what I lost that he sused to give… He threatens suicide and punches holes in walls, he fails to defend me when his children make hurtful jokes, choosing them over me and using them as a weapon against me in arguments especially when I decided to finally seperate. Our relationship has been overshadowed by his work and children, leaving me feeling neglected and unloved. He has become manipulative, over-reactive, and increasingly dismissive towards me, leaving me weary, exhausted, and broken.

Instead of making efforts to show me that I am important, to give me reasons to stay, he tells others that his children hate me and that I am not welcome to return. He whines, demeans, emotionally attacks, and makes excuses. I am left with the painful reality of our deteriorating relationship and the difficult decision of whether to continue this separation in hopes of finding a path forward.

(I went back to give us 1 more chance

I type this now March 21, 2025. It has been 8 months- I feel the same with some things but different with others. I will not get into details right now)