I grew up in a world where maternal presence/love and paternal support were scarce, where my uncle's cruel actions left scars that time can't fully heal, and my grandmother's actions inflicted wounds in every conceivable way. In the midst of this darkness, I yearned for the kind of nurturing and love from my aunt that she bestowed upon her own children and grandchildren. A far away dream that will never come to light and I may never grasp.
I tread the path of my passions, honing my skills and talents in solitude, as has been my lifelong journey. While solitude has its moments, it's a profound loneliness when there's no family to share in the genuine excitement of what matters most to me. Of course I’m married and my husband, though tired and barely having time for his own passions due to nearly endlessly working his life away in hopes of bettering our own little family, has put so much attention, recognition and and love towards my writing, photographs and plans I’d like to turn into reality.
But it’s a different thing when you’re yearning for it from family, it’s an aching and a hole not even a romantic and fulfilled loving relationship can heal.
Loneliness becomes a heavy burden when I find myself pleading with family for simple moments as I’ve done for centuries now and will for centuries to come: family photos, shared dinners around a table, a reunion that never seems to happen, or just a moment of recognition for my poems and photographs. It's disheartening when they couldn’t even make it to my choir performances or solos in high school. I’m amazed some even showed up to my wedding- of course some I was closest too didn’t make it for their own reasoning and it deeply hurt no matter how understanding I was/am of the individual reasonings.
When I depart from this world, I want my family to remember that I cared deeply about things that often were unpopular within the family and often went unnoticed. I poured my heart, soul, and energy into what truly mattered—quality time, genuine passion not only for my own pursuits but also for the passions of others. I am in no way dismissing the active love and care family members put out there into this family, but I am saying that it wasn’t as painfully consistent as my urging, begging, crying, and loneliness I felt over the lack of togetherness with the family I grew and keep growing up in.
My heart is heavy, my body is tired, and my loneliness sticks around like Velcro and spilled stained wine. And I don’t even drink wine.
Things I disdain are most definitely a big part of my life- financial insecurity, chronic pain, lack of adventure and travel, lack of sleep which means lack of dreams, little time and finances for my creative pursuits, lack of family time and no parents who are together, in love and take family photos with each-other every year or so…… I can go on with the list but I’m too exhausted to even finish this blog post…
Comments