Do you know someone who left the Church, but won’t leave it alone? Well, dang...
Now that I got you because you love the title... Hear me out-
Many have a hard time with misunderstanding the reasons for leaving for many ex-members.
One of the biggest frustrations for former members is the assumption that they left for trivial or superficial reasons.
Here are some common misinterpretations:
“You wanted to sin.” - Some believe former members left to pursue lifestyles that contradict Church teachings.
“You were offended.” - Often, people are told they must have been hurt by someone in the Church, leading to their departure.
“You are lazy.” - Another belief is that former members leave to escape the “effort” of church activity.
BUT, in reality, the truth of the matter is: many people leave for personal and intellectual reasons, such as discovering discrepancies in Church history, feeling psychologically stifled by certain doctrines, or struggling with Church teachings that conflict with their moral or personal beliefs.
Some members who cant (won’t) leave those who leave, alone, embrace the "Can't leave it alone" phenomenon:
For lifelong members who end up leaving, the Church became integral to their identity and worldview. When many leave, they undergo a “deconstruction” phase, where they examine and rebuild their beliefs. This process often brings up a desire to talk about their experiences as they make sense of the transition.
Here are reasons many turn to speaking out:
They want to process and heal - Many former members find it therapeutic to discuss their journey, especially when the separation from the Church feels like a loss of identity.
Many want to address family and friends concerns. So many feel compelled to explain their reasons for leaving to family and friends who often don’t understand.
They want to challenge any misconceptions. Former members may feel a responsibility to correct misconceptions, such as the idea that only sinners or lazy people leave.
Many of us who leave, believe the church was later revealed to us as a lifelong conditioning pathway.
Many of us come to a realization of the pathway of expected milestones… The Church provides a structured roadmap for life that includes significant milestones (baby blessing, baptism, priesthood, temple endowment, mission, temple marriage).
This pathway leaves a harmful impact on many. This framework influences every life decision, from dietary choices to social activities to family dynamics. For some, leaving requires untangling years of religious conditioning, which can feel like dismantling a deeply ingrained belief system.
Leaving the church in general can be compared to addiction. For many, this conditioning is akin to breaking a strong habit or addiction. The Church structure can feel like a dependency, and the deconstruction process can be emotionally and mentally challenging.
Many who leave, do so because of discovered historical or doctrinal discrepancies.
Many of us go off the straight and narrow and discover new information that opens our eyes and heart to many realities… Many members report that historical revelations, like past Church practices or contradictions between past teachings and present doctrine, led them to question the Church's truth claims.
Many of us tend to come a cross a deep impact on our belief system.. Finding conflicting information can cause a crisis of faith, particularly when historical or doctrinal discrepancies undermine the Church’s foundational claims.
Examples of challenging issues for us:
-Polygamy and early Church history
-The translation of the Book of Mormon and Book of Abraham
-Changes in Church stances on race, sexuality, and gender roles
It is disheartrening when our autonomy and agency conflicts:
In the church, as a member, many of us lose our Individual agency: Many members are often guided in specific lifestyle choices, from tithing (10% income donation) to wearing sacred undergarments, following dietary restrictions, and accepting callings within the Church.
In the church, as a member, many of us willingly drown in our desire for independence. Many former members, including myself, felt their individuality was limited and that leaving allowed them to explore a personal sense of morality, identity, and autonomy.
There is a grand and beautiful impact on ex-members personal identities: For some, the experience is akin to reclaiming a personal freedom that felt stifled by the Church’s guidelines.
Being a member, all that it entails, becomes a heavy mental health and emotional strain:
Being a member comes at a cost by bringing on mental health challenges: The overwhelming pressure to conform to high standards and live a rigid lifestyle can cause or exacerbate mental health challenges, particularly for members who experience guilt or anxiety about not meeting these expectations.
There is such difficulty finding support for my Borderline Personality Disorder and many others conditions: Members who struggle with mental or physical health conditions often find it hard to get adequate support within the Church structure, especially when resources are scarce or there’s stigma against certain conditions.
Theres a lot of negative response from family and church members… Some members feel judged or unsupported by the community, leading them to seek acceptance and understanding outside the Church.
With the choice, decision, or thought of leaving, it brings challenges in relationships and family dynamics:
Want or choosing to leave often brings on family tensions: Many people leave due to differences in belief that strain relationships with active family members or friends.
With that thought or choice, there is a large amount of pressure from family to stay active. Some leave after years of internal struggle, fearing the impact of their decision on family ties.
Many of us who are wanting to leave or have left, have a strong desire to be open and authentic. Former members often feel a need to openly express their beliefs, which can create friction within families if others refuse to accept their decision.
Financial and time commitments:
Tithing: Members are encouraged to donate 10% of their income. Some members find this financial obligation difficult, especially if they question how the funds are used.
Many time-intensive requirements: Weekly meetings, callings, and community responsibilities can feel like an overwhelming commitment, particularly for those who are already managing work, family, other personal obligations (such as mental and physical health)
Many have a desire for reallocation of resources: Some leave to reclaim time and money that they prefer to invest elsewhere. In there own way. Independently. Knowing where it goes.
There is a role of information and social media:
Many come upon access to information that church leaders request and often demand that we avoid: With increased access to unfiltered information online, many members encounter perspectives on Church history and doctrine that challenge their beliefs.
Many find and feel at home in online communities of former members: Online forums and support groups offer a sense of belonging and shared understanding that some former members struggle to find in their real-life communities.
Many find influence of information on their belief system: Encountering diverse viewpoints and reading stories of other former members can be validating for those who felt isolated in their doubts.
We need a perspective shift!
For many former members, leaving the Church is neither a swift nor straightforward decision; it is a profound process of re-evaluating beliefs that have been woven into the fabric of their lives, beliefs that once anchored their understanding of themselves, others, and the world. This journey often comes with a heavy sense of responsibility, one that requires confronting teachings that influenced nearly every aspect of their existence—identity, relationships, family dynamics, personal choices, and even life’s ultimate purpose. Leaving such a significant institution is not an action taken lightly; rather, it demands a courage to question and, in many cases, unravel an entire worldview, which brings with it a complex array of emotional, psychological, and social repercussions.
Despite the personal nature of this process, former members frequently encounter an all-too-familiar phrase from current members: “You can leave the Church, but you can’t leave it alone.” This comment, whether voiced in jest or with genuine frustration, is often perceived as dismissive, as it ignores the depth of what leaving entails for many. To these individuals, the Church isn’t simply a past phase; it’s a system that has shaped their entire lives, touching every corner of their personal and communal existence. For many, leaving the Church means leaving a network of close family ties, social circles, and cultural rituals that have offered a sense of belonging and structure. Deconstructing their faith can feel like untangling a vast, intricate web of teachings, each thread pulling at the core of who they thought they were and where they believed they belonged.
Speaking out about this journey, then, is not merely a matter of harboring resentment or bitterness; rather, it is often a way for individuals to find healing and reclaim an identity they feel was shaped and even constrained by their former beliefs. In the same way that individuals recovering from trauma or addiction openly discuss their journeys to make sense of their past and affirm their new path forward, many former Church members find solace and strength in expressing their experiences. For some, this dialogue becomes a way of examining the lessons they internalized, identifying those that no longer serve them, and letting go of beliefs that may have contributed to feelings of shame, guilt, or inadequacy. This process is rarely linear; it involves many stages of acceptance, grief, and self-discovery as they begin to redefine their beliefs and rebuild their lives according to values they find meaningful and authentic.
For many who have left, this sharing is not about criticism or attack; it is an attempt to foster understanding, to bridge the chasm of misunderstanding they feel often separates them from those who remain in the Church. It is a plea for empathy and respect, a desire to explain a choice that may seem incomprehensible to those who still find comfort and identity within the faith. Former members know that their experiences and perspectives may challenge the beliefs of those who remain, but they often feel compelled to speak out in hopes that others will recognize their need for self-determination and healing. This dialogue, while sometimes perceived as confrontational, can be better understood as a necessary expression of autonomy and an affirmation of their journey toward an identity that feels true to them.
To actively leave and openly speak about such a personal decision is also, for many, a means of addressing lingering trauma or unresolved issues from their time in the Church. These individuals might carry memories of teachings that impacted their mental health or personal identity in ways they are only now able to acknowledge. By discussing their experiences, former members are not merely “unable to leave it alone” but are, instead, striving to process and integrate those experiences in a healthy, constructive way. The act of sharing is often deeply personal and comes with an earnest hope for understanding, as they attempt to explain the reasons behind their departure not only to others but, often, to themselves. Speaking about their journey allows them to release pain or confusion associated with their past and to articulate the profound impact the Church has had on them, even as they move forward.
This open processing is, therefore, not an attempt to disparage the beliefs of those who remain, nor a campaign to dismantle the institution itself. Rather, it is the act of acknowledging that their lives were, for so long, entwined with the Church’s teachings that to walk away without processing those lessons would be akin to ignoring the influence of a formative relationship. Just as those who recover from other profound life experiences continue to revisit and reframe those experiences as they grow, former Church members are on a similar path, one where speaking openly is essential to their healing and growth. They are not rejecting or dismissing the faith of others; they are, instead, honoring their own paths, finding strength in their voices, and working to reconcile the pieces of themselves that have felt at odds for so long.
In essence, their need to share their story is rooted in a desire to connect and be understood. They wish for compassion and respect, knowing that their choice to leave was not born of spite but of a genuine search for self-acceptance and peace. Many hope to build bridges between the communities they’ve left and the individuals they have become, creating spaces for honest dialogue rather than division. Their voices do not seek to dissuade others from their beliefs but to illuminate the complex layers of their own lived experience. Through sharing their journeys, they not only heal but also contribute to a broader understanding of the human experience, one that encompasses growth, transformation, and the courage to define oneself on one’s own terms.
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